Legitimacy without credential armour: my third coaching session
Yesterday, I had my third coaching session with Annalise Lewis of Manifesto. My write-up of the second session with her contains links to the workshop where I first experienced her approach and an overview of my first session.
This was the first session in which I acknowledged my (undiagnosed) neurodivergence – something Annalise had hinted at, and which I had suspected, but which was made more solid when I caught up with an old friend who had been diagnosed with AuDHD. He gifted me the phrase "interest-based neurology" which is a wondefully positive framing for a wiring difference which can sometimes make everyday interactions confusing or anxiety-inducing.
Similarly, in the session, Annalise encouraged me to reframe what I sometimes see as my "scattered" attention more positively. For example, is what I do "inspired enquiry"? What does it mean to work seasonally? In "containers" instead of "schedules" to avoid burnout? I also very much appreciated her saying that worry is a misuse of creativity, saying that AuDHDers are hyper-sensitive to pattern-finding. As worry is a form of "predictive rehearsing" it's particularly problematic for creative people, as it can lead to a form of disregulation and over-thinking spirals.
NOBODY CARES
Earlier this year, I maintained a schedule of publishing reasonably long-form posts on my blog three times per week. Plus my weeknotes. Nobody asked me to do this; it was an entirely self-imposed constraint. I only managed to get over myself by nuking my blog and archiving everything I've written over the past 20 years.
What's going on there? Annalise talked about an upcoming article she's writing for her Substack which discusses what happens when AuDHDers are blocked. Is it about:
- Conditions? (i.e. your environment)
- Permissions? (i.e. the license you give yourself)
- Permission to change conditions? (i.e. the license you give yourself to change your environment)
The third of these is much easier to deal with for neurotypical people than those who are neurodivergent. Reminding ourselves that NOBODY CARES, in the sense that we're overthinking everything and that it doesn't make much of a difference to others either way, is useful.
Legitimate activities
What I was doing, to borrow a phrase from Annalise, was "outputting", engaging in legitimate activities which are valued by others. This links closely to the highly moralistic lens I apply to my own behaviour and that of others. It's worth reminding ourselves, she said, that there is a difference between seeking other people's understanding and seeking their approval.
We cannot do for others what we cannot do for ourselves, so I need to notice what story I'm telling myself, which allows for course-correction and agency. There's a balance to be had between "belonging" while also not "disappearing myself". For example, I've got shelves full of philosophy books I rarely read, art galleries and museums near me that I seldom visit, and activities I either put off or don't do because they do not appear to be legitimate activities at any given time.
One way I've historically got around that is by seeking a credential (i.e. a "legitimate activity") for things that I want to do intrinsically. So, for example, pursuing a Mountain Leader qualification when I just want to go walking in the hills, or doing a Systems Thinking postgraduate qualification when I just want to spend more time researching something in the library. This is a form of credential armour.
Questions to ponder
- Burnout – how do I avoid burning out when my natural pattern is oscillatory, interest-led, and highly responsive to context? (I think the answer is something to do with flexible infrastructure, setting expectations based around seasons, and "masking" less in relationships and work)
- Expressing the archetypes – how do I express my archetypes (especially the "Seeker") without requiring some form of legitimising wrapper? (I think I need to be more deliberate around spiritual/cultural nourishment and trust "curiosity" as a valid guide)
- Unlearning habits – how do I loosen habits that once kept me safe, but are now "narrowing" my life? (I need to explicitly challenge myself to lessen approval-seeking, avoid audience capture, and recognise "predictive rehearsing")